Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
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Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Everyone in the gym on January 1st