If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
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SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
She: I like Cats
He:
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
saw this in a dream
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring