I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
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melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!