Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
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Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Challenge accepted.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.