Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.