Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
You Might Also Like
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Jurassic park gets weird
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?