[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
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Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs