I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
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coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
#SaturdayBears
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.