What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
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Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
cry laughing at this shit
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.