If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
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What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.