My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
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[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
“What?”
– Jude
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.