Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.