6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
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Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
How to wake up a Beagle
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Y’all ready for this
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
umm…
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.