“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I found your tweet-up…
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?