“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
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ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
the answer was staring at me all along
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.