Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
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In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
FINE, I WON’T.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.