My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.