YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
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I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one