The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
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My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Does your wife know you’re single?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up