Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
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cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be