covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
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I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
the rocks need my help
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂