Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
You Might Also Like
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
This one’s “Alex”.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared