About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
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“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
🤣🤣
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.