I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
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A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
WTF
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
new shirt idea
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.