doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
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My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild