If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
You are what you delete.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”