[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
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*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.