imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
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If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
an airline just for babies.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.