I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
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Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.