Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
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me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
This probably isn’t good
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.