My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
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the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Me :
All Day At Night
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*