SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
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I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now