[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
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Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
This is true.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk