The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
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There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Dead
Alive
Other✔
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.