Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
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2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead