Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
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Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this