Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
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DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Uh oh…
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.