Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
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Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
This is me 🤣🤣
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
This made me chuckle.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.