@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
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“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.