Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
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*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
True
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.