I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
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AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo