*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
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“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
two people or more is called a problem
I love the honesty
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.