BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
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Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Hey I worked for it too!
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*