forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
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Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip