Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
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*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I’m sorry…what?
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…