“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
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doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I’d hang this in my house.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you