[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
You Might Also Like
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
be careful
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer