Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
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In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Happy Halloween 🎃
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.