*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
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A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
The two types of wives
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.