Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
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Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
*puts words between two asterisks*
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.